"Your vulnerability is the key to your growing spirituality. Now is the time to share yourself openly, without pretense or defensiveness. Let down the barriers that have held you apart from another, from the Divine, from the world..." Alana Fairchild
As a lot of you know, I worked with children for several years and am, in many regards, an exceedingly patient person. I still don't understand how I remained nearly unflappable while managing a classroom of 28 Kindergarteners, and neither did those who were supervising me at the time. But, if any of you can fathom 28 Kindergarten students (beyond how, yes, very adorable each of them was) that pretty much sums up my level of patience and grounded-ness. I am human, indeed. I have my buttons that can be pushed, certainly! Yet, over the years I have only become more open, patient, and grounded, and that in and of itself is why some are drawn to me--I feel a general peace with life, even if there are ups and downs, and that energy is palpable to others.
However, this past week pushed me to a totally different edge. It is hard to explain what it felt like or how or why it happened, but, from the very intense energies we have had in August to very mundane things, such as my computer crashing (as mentioned last week), still dealing with mold in my home (thank you winter floods and rainforest-redwoods climate), the stove dying, the washing machine dying, communications going bonkers....I truly hit a melting point. Logically it made no sense, as I know I can handle all these things going "wrong," and yet there I was...hitting a wall.
And it was good. It was a release. And I showed up with vulnerability and an utter haphazard, dear-God-help-me-with-this kind of madness.
And many are going through this.
Many of us are being pushed into even more vulnerable spaces, pushed further, not only to connect with each other in solidarity, but to dig deep and unfold the next layer or chapter of our lives. We are being pushed more deeply into the meaning of unconditional love, for self and for all who are traveling here on earth.
It also made me think of the powerful relationship between vulnerability and true unconditional love.
As a woman, I get plenty of comments about how I look, as most of us do. And, while I could get into all the weirdness of our society and how uncomfortable it was to start getting catcalled at the age of 13, I had a different reflection recently. Reading an "omg you're so hot marry me" comment on one of my YouTube videos, I somehow flashed on what I love most about loving others and really being loved...and it has very little to do with looks.
I truly love the crazy morning bedhead. I love the bags under the eyes and other hairs in weird places. I love the vulnerable and uncomfortable moments. I never wish for someone to hold back their darkness, their fears and insecurities. I find those spaces so beautiful. This is the kind of love I offer others, the kind of love I have learned (and continue to learn) to offer myself, and the kind of love I want to always leave myself open to. It is how we are loved by the Divine and a love we are truly never separate from.
This is the space of love I hold for friends and clients, and what I have journeyed more deeply into within myself, where I see the immense beauty in our own wildness and moments of confusion. And I can't settle for anything less in a "love" relationship, either.
In our most raw form, we may fear to be seen, and yet, for those who are ready to love, we can also be most deeply loved in that space of total openness.
That is true intimacy.
It is wonderful to dress up, fix our hair, and present our "best" selves. Yet, it is the tearful love, the bags-under-the-eyes, hair-in-the-"wrong"-place kind of love that is the best.
So if you are being pushed to the edge, embrace it. Reach within for what your soul is asking; reach to God for support; reach out to each other. For in our humanity, and willingness to be open and vulnerable, we find and touch the face of God in each other and in life itself.
I love you, always.